In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize