you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
