dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
