we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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