why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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