She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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