Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.