I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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