Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
