My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
