That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
