I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
