so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
