I accidentally had phone sex last night
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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