Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
