We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I believe in your delicious
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
