Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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