dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
