dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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