If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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