This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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