please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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