I just threw up on my dentist
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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