When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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