i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
