Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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