when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
