have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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