My liver just broke up with me...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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