This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
