woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
