its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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