I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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