im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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