Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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