Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
