Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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