hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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