There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
