its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
