I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
