Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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