I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
