A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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