We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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