I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
