I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
