I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
