dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
