i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
