Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
