Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
