if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
