I'm so fucking centered right now
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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