I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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