Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
