is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
